I've Got Mail

I read it. The story. And after I read it I wondered wether this story was something that some girl/guy sent you when you were getting too wound up? How did you find it? Or is it something that you give to anyone who gets too wound up? Are you MsPtato?

So you have been MsPtato and I have been RyanAdverb.And I read the Reprise where they finally talk over the phone. We have been there too.

After we met in our safe little box the other night, I finally realised what this whole thing was. You being anonymous. With no clue to give away. Your image in that delicious attire. Like it was whispering to me something. As though you were waiting. Prepared for an adventure. And fearless ,as I was. Prepared to go where ever it took me. And we became each other's adventure. We just took off. Protected deep within the sheild of your sensuous anonymous alter ego. And when I found that adventure. I had to find out.

In the past few weeks I had been keeping away. For the first time felt that possiveness. That feeling to own someone so solely to the extent that it is incomprehensible and it clouds your judgement.That fear of not fully knowing. That need to know. You perhaps didn't experience that since I was out there as I was and you knew everything that is there about me. My friends, My family, My Gfs, My Ex-Gfs. With no Armor. With no cloak or my bowler hat and scarf to cover my face.

We started this like a fascinating foreplay. It was raw at times. Very primal. But I am a primal person. So I have been told. In the most positive way, I hope. And then I was ready for anything . Like I have been in my relationships always. But somewhere it started to get tighter. And now I understand why people say that relationships are comparable to a noose. A real relationship, when you start to feel for another person. like that. it gets tight. And I know that now. Makes me wonder wether I had ever loved any of those people I had been with. Or had they loved me like this? Have I broken many hearts? I had them in my life. And now when I think of it and wonder.

When you told me lets be friends. lets be lovers. I understood it. But differently. And now after reading that story. I see Ms.Ptato's words with your name on it. I see the context. And you are right. To make this any real than what this is might had ment the end of some of the very real relationships that we might have. But we have other issues. Like where you are and where I am at.

And now thinking of it. You might be not facing any of the dillemas I have been, but some of your own. You could be having so many other adventures than you are willing to accept. And for as much I feel I know you. You did and you might still have. Even I had, but then the past few months, that had changed. I wasn't able to chat like that. Be fascinating. Captivating, Available. It was like a blackhole had sucked a part me away. Never to get it back. I stopped caring about so many things. Days fell off the calender like leaves off a branch in Autumn. I was miserable. But our Little box was my refuge. It made me happy. I didn't need the whole wide world while we were at it. No food, No sleep. Just you. Your thoughts. What made you tick? I needed to know what made your heart beat. What made your lips move. What made your hips move. The pictures you sent me became my world. I would spent hours fantasizing about your voice. The way it sounded. Your mind. And I have done this more times than I can possibly remember. I have woken many nights out of sleep. I have done it several times in a single day. And no matter how battered I was. I would still do it. Do it to feel that feeling. To feel close to you. To feel like I was setting myself free. To feel alive. And nothing else mattered.

I was an addict. Addicted to you. And in a way I still am. But atleast now I accepted it and understand it. I guess by now I think you understand fully about what I have been going through. I have been having withdrawals of the worst kind. And I had given up.

Is love a drug? Is it an easy adventure cause we could do it and it felt good? or are we having too many such simple different things together all at once? Love , Lust, Greed, an Adventure, Sex, Games, Roleplay, Toying, Passion, Emotions, Friendship?

I think you might not be wondering about these things at the same level of emotional Intensity that I am. Cause I can feel that. or maybe Im wrong and the compass in my head and heart is totally fucked up. Cause there is something very different. And I can't put my finger on it. I still want you all the same. I miss you all the same. Maybe its you. Maybe is how you are feeling now. Its that lack of yearning I can't sense. And now you don't wanna do any of this anymore. And thats something I should be doing too, if I need to get back a sense of normalcy in my life again.

And now since you know now that I knew more about you than I ever told you. You don't want to be that person with me because you lost your armor that made you comfortable. And that armor had perhaps protected you from feeling things that I did too. But I can also feel that you really mean that you want to see me get on with my life. A part of me jealous of how lucky those people who might be able to talk with you. The regret that I had to loose myself and I might never have you ever again. Not like I how I had you. The Jealousy and Regret makes it confusing. Doubts and self Doubts. All things that I never had to face in any point in my life. But the last whole year I have been making rounds with it. And now more than ever. Im not blaming you. You are right just the way you are. And thats what I fell in love with. And you are telling me you want some sense in your life. And that you can't be obsessed with me and that you have moved on.

Some where in my mind I'm wondering wether I took too long. or I shouldn't had stopped myself from coming online. A feeling that im loosing something. And all this perhaps sounds silly. And I'm feeling that im looking quite immature and childish in this. I hate it when im looked at like that. But I'm feeling it.

You want it to become platonic? Remove the intimacy. Some how as of right now I have been unable to do that. And I guess I might be never be able to do that. But the only way is to expand and invite other things into it. And redefine it.

For that to happen you would have to invite me to the other things that are you. Where you wouldn't risk being risque. I feel you fear loosing what ever is left too with that. It has come to this. We will be friends and love each other like friends and lovers the same. I don't want to stop loving you either way. A part of me wants to wait for you and take my time. And another part knows what you are saying is right. and I know that from a long time.

I want to see the other sides of you. I don't want to loose you as a friend and as my lover, My spl lover. but I wan't to know the other bits and pieces that make you. Probably it would help you move on from me much better. Or make it better than what it was. Help deal with what you and now I am trying to acheive. To be better.

I poured my heart into this letter. And I have no more thoughts left about anything. Ok, maybe a few but I can't access it right now.